guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
