I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
