I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize