as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
