im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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