i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
