im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
