Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
