your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
