Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
