he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Randomize
