This girl is more easily done than said...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
