a search helicopter?!
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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