I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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