oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
