he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
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