it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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