so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
