Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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