You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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