i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You're like the curious george of whores
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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