yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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