So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
