My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
