Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
