I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
