Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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