Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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