my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
