I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I am midnight drunk by noon
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
