Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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