first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
