can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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