Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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