haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
