i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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