The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
