I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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