Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize