I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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