Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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