I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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