Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
