dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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