At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
someone owes me an orgasm
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
