I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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