So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize