So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
