I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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