I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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