Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
