literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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