his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
