grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
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