My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
