the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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