at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize